Surprisingly enough, I am neither a friend of Estivills, nor am I his fan. His methods have only come to my attention through a word of mouth and it was your reactions and questions that led me towards making my own research into his practices. Having been rather overwhelmed with frequent emotional reactions to the introduction of my book, more precisely its chapter featuring sixth month of our baby’s life, I have decided to note down some of my thoughts and opinions on this matter.
Crying, a form of communication and negotiation
Sooner or later should your baby understand the basic principles and outlines of the world. Moreover, it will learn about the concepts of daytime as well as night-time and the ways you react in different situations. In this case, however, children no longer use crying as a mere expression of discomfort or distress, they also try get their way and negotiate more power. When your baby had gone through the first six-nine months of age, it is mostly love, nurturing and a close physical contact, that will be in highest demand.
I’m very much in favour of the “Continuum Concept”, a book written by Jean Liedloff. It communicates the idea of Eastern civilization having seemingly left behind all natural responses and evolution. Although the book was published in 1975, it illustrates precisely somewhat stressed out parents, who instead of adapting their children into the process of evolution and natural selection, they create a completely separate and so-called unwanted isolation, which the parents themselves oppose. Admittedly, my case was not far off. Generally speaking, there is only a limited time to when a baby’s cry is triggered by hunger, lack of physical contact or a high time for the diapers to be changed.
Therefore it is completely up to you to learn how to adapt some of Estivill’s practices into your own. For much often do we find ourselves in such situations when the so-called cry-it-out methods merely lead towards your refusal of a baby’s natural expression, which is in this case crying. Broadly speaking, you are fully aware that what causes your children’s crying is not hunger, but a physical suffering or their need of a physical touch. That is to say, we do not spitefully put our child to sleep while it cries hysterically, nor do we do so with an intention to viciously beat the cry out of them.
Let us be compassionate, calm, loving and understanding
That is impossible. As regards to Nina, we knew perfectly well she was doing completely fine and it was clear to us that she understands simple concepts of day and night and has a good perception of fundamental actions and reactions. Moreover, we became to understand her attempts to be in charge and take control over us, as it was for example with intending to stay up late. In light of such situation, we decided to set down some seemingly wise general rules in order to achieve everybody’s overall well-being. Needless to say, we have adopted certain rules from our own parents and grandparents.
All in all, that time went actually pretty smoothly and somewhat naturally. As a rule of thumb, the way it goes is when the valiant indian mother commands her children to go to bed, they do so without any objections. And so we had proceeded with our usual evening routine comprising of play time, feeding, bath time and more importantly plenty of cuddles. Our happy baby is proceeded to bed with cuddles and kisses and since neither of us have an early bedtime, she is left alone in her room. Needless to say, she did not want to conform. On the contrary, she could not yet speak at the time, therefore her chances for discussions were limited.
As you might expect, she started to cry and it was then that we made use of some practices of Estivills. Firstly, we had assured ourselves the baby was safe and well and proceeded just like for the first time. Nina was explained that all children go to sleep at dusk as to replenish their energy. After having repeatedly done this several times around, being comprehensible and reacting in accordance to demands of current situations, Nina eventually learnt to fall asleep. Although she had always talked to herself and played around in bed, we finally achieved our goals and all it took was several days of hysterical crying. It was her need for close physical contact with us in our bed when the clock hit midnight, that we were quite happy to accommodate.
Never did we fail to assure she gets enough of our physical contact with her. There is no doubt in my mind that every child is an individual and I would quite frankly guarantee that all this helped with Nina’s compliance to certain rules. Looking back at it, I would not have it another way in the future. Considering the fact that by now, there is somewhat sensible conversation to be led between Nina and us, we recently brought up this subject. Despite being such a tiny human creature with still a limited ability to speak clearly without any drawbacks, she is able to perceive and comprehend our intentions. Hardly does she refrain or show any objections, as deeply in her mind she is aware of our good intentions.
Whatever your story will be, this is the path we chose. Should you decide to fall asleep next to your children night by night, caressing, cuddling and let them stay up until late, the choice is yours. The decision is completely individual and should not be judged by others. After all, it is your family and principles.